


i keep on trying to let you go (i'm dying to let you know)

by Isolatedwriting



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Bondage, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Oh my god it was just meant to be a smut fic, Smut, abby/ellie is hot and you need to accept that, and not just the sexy kind, bad morals and bad ideas, it is clearly not that anymore, its a lot im so sorry this is not how i wanted this to be, its about the, long suffering women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27620315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isolatedwriting/pseuds/Isolatedwriting
Summary: "There’s a horse, tied by his halter to the rails while a farrier works on his shoes, and Ellie watches him as she scrubs. He tosses his big head whenever the woman beside him moves too quickly, straining against the tether. Its shocking that it doesn’t break under the raw power of his movement, but the bonds stay strong, and no one is hurt.And it's like something clicks into place."Or:Almost five years later, Abby and Lev end up back in Jackson, as the world begins to close in more and more. Their arrival comes as a shock, and not without opposition.
Relationships: Abby & Lev (The Last of Us), Abby/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 160





	i keep on trying to let you go (i'm dying to let you know)

**Author's Note:**

> I usually orphan my smut fics, but this one turned into something else so here we are. I just wanted to write something sexy, maybe 4000 words... i hate myself
> 
> This was first inspired by some AMAZING fanart by issadoragreen on tumblr:(issadoragreen.tumblr.com/post/630012462119387136/didnt-you-know-dangerous-wolves-belong-in)
> 
> I'll link the art again at the end for those of you who want to go in spoiler free. 
> 
> Anyway this is extremely self indulgent please enjoy!

  
It feels like a blow to the gut. 

Years. 

It had taken _years_ to forget her face. And then there she was. Ellie feels sick. Like if she so much as takes a step, or tries to run, she’ll collapse to the ground. 

( _“Please… it’s not for me. He needs this.”_ )

Tommy is another story. It takes three guys to keep him from shooting on sight, and then a long talk with Maria before he can even look at her after that. Ellie can’t stop looking at her. 

Its surreal. Different than before. Dina takes a swing at her first thing, but doesn’t bother her again after that, because she’s been trying to move past things, to develop and accept things outside of her control, and she has always been better like that. Ellie… not so much. They were almost at a good place again though. Almost. Not that things would ever even get close to before. Because of _her_. 

(Because of _Ellie_.)

Ellie thinks she should be angry. Furious that she would show her face, disgusted that it would even be a question of letting her in. But it wasn’t her choice. Not entirely anyway. 

And things had _changed_. 

Not forgotten, but changed. Ellie doesn’t say anything for days, confining herself to her home to try and weed out her feelings. It goes about as well as expected. 

( _“I’ll do anything…”_ )

Dina might be angrier than she is. She comes to tell her how Abby is, like a secret agent that Ellie doesn’t remember enlisting. It helps though. 

Dina blows off steam and moves on. Ellie bundles it up and makes a mess. 

The kid – Lev - settles in easier than some. The others around his age are jealous of his stories and his skills with a bow, and apparently some hard conversations had to be had to stop him carrying it around. Children aren’t usually fighters in Jackson, and Ellie feels for him. She can remember what it was like to be a defensive kid with no more need for her switchblade. 

Not that she can even look at him anyway. And it doesn’t feel good. On the other hand however, he’s not little anymore. He’s almost as tall as his guardian, if not as bulky. She doesn’t know what he’s been eating or how he has been living, but they both look healthy. Better than she does sometimes. 

( _“He needs to be around other kids, I… I need him to have a good life.”_ )

Ellie doesn’t know how to live with it. To live like this. She disappears for a few days (she runs back to the farm, never tells anyone where she went) and receives a verbal lashing from every angle for it, but she doesn’t regret it. 

What she does regret is looking up from the ground on her walk of shame back home afterwards. 

Its her first time seeing her for real – loose in her town – and it sends chills up her spine. 

Her hair is long again. Not like it had been that awful day in the lodge, but enough to pull into a decent braid again, and even with a jacket, she’s clearly built herself back up from the broken person Ellie remembers.

There’s a lot of space between them but not enough of it in Ellie’s opinion, and it almost looks like she’s going to try and _talk_ to her, so Ellie runs away.

She can’t breathe until she gets home, and every time she inhales it feels like fire is burning through her lungs. Like she’s smoked too much and worn her throat raw. 

Its not a panic attack; she’s made enough peace that she can keep it at bay. But its as close as she’s gotten to one in a long time.

She’s only just learned to live like this, and its all falling apart too fast. 

*

“Please… I’ll do anything.”

Its their first time alone. Not that they aren’t being observed. Ellie can basically feel the eyes of the guards through the windows. Because this is not an organic moment. 

She can’t find words. A few choked noises escape her, but there’s nothing legible in it, and she eventually gives up. She can barely look at her. 

Abby, to her credit, doesn’t beg. 

They’re in Ellie’s house. Ellie’s home turf. She is sure it’s a calculated move, but it works. Even if her heart still thunders every time Abby so much as twitches. 

She’s standing, because she can’t sit still. Abby had sat down as soon as she came in; the way a person might get on their haunches when approaching a feral cat. Ellie felt like that a lot these days.

“I can’t be around you.” She says, suddenly, her mind clearing for just long enough to get it out. 

“I can make myself scarce.” That doesn’t make sense to Ellie, because even after everything, the woman in front of her is still one of the most physically intimidating people she has ever matched with.

Her mind darts elsewhere, imaging how someone like that could ever creep through a herd of clickers without starting off her own horde migration, but she shakes it off. 

“I… fuck I can’t watch you just walk around.” She stands, suddenly, and Abby leans back a little. Its good to know she’s not the only one suffering this conversation, but she tears her eyes away, focusing on a splintering piece of panel wall. She needed to refurbish this place before winter rolls around again. 

“He won’t stay if I go.” Abby says, and its quiet. “I would leave if he would stay but he won’t.”

“I get it.” And she does, but she doesn’t like it. “That doesn’t mean seeing you upright doesn’t…” She trails off because she doesn’t know how to put her feelings (the agony in her chest) into words. Especially not under pressure. 

Their talk effectively ends there, even if Abby hangs around for another moment. Ellie can feel how hard she’s thinking, how much her energy suffocates the room. She doesn’t take another breath until she’s gone. 

*

Tommy isn’t around much for the first couple of weeks. He’s getting older, and his injuries over the years have slowed him down, so Ellie’s not very surprised that he has gone quiet. She is surprised when he comes to her door, his eyes tired and his gun holstered. 

“I can’t leave the house without it.” He says, when he catches her looking, but she doesn’t press him. 

“What’s going on?” She asks instead. Tommy comes inside on her invitation, and heads straight for the couch. He sits with a sigh, revealing his aches, and settles on her. 

“You haven’t been leaving the house much these days.” Its not a question, but Ellie hears the accusation anyway. 

“Neither have you.” He laughs what could only be considered a laugh by people like them, and rests his elbows down on his legs. He looks at her then with something that makes her restless, and she wishes more than anything that he would just get to the point. 

Wish granted. “How are you holdin’ up?”

“I manage.”

“Dina said she’s dropping off your meals.” His eyes haven’t changed. “I’m worried about you wasting away in here.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay.” He surrenders, cracks a smile, and Ellie starts to wonder if there’s a reason he’s here. He hadn’t been the most accepting on her return, after Santa Barbara, and it had left strain between them that had not eased fully in the years since.

He stands, makes his way to the door, and just as Ellie is sure he might actually leave her alone, he pauses. Leaning against the door like that, she can see so much of Joel in him. 

“Y’know, they’re telling me that this might be the last of the good, _safe_ places.” He says, something sad in him that spills out under the pride. “You just… you need to find a way to live with that sometimes.”

“Have you?” She asks, and he shrugs, noncommittal. 

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” She makes a sound of agreement, nods to him when he waves his goodbye, and resumes her previous activity; sitting alone on her bed and thinking about the places she went wrong. There are a lot of them. 

Tommy was right about Dina bringing her food. She never asked her too, but Dina is just that kind of person. The kind Ellie knew she would never really be. She brought JJ too, most days, and just for a little bit, she let Ellie forget everything. Half an hour of blissful escapism. Not that Dina wasn’t also one of the only people left alive who could coax a real conversation out of her, and expect to hear truth. 

So, she brings it up. Like Ellie should have expected her too. 

Dina had been taking it easy since their pilgrimage to Seattle. Probably for JJ’s sake, she keeps herself out of harms way. That doesn’t mean she didn’t still enjoy killing Infected though. 

“I took Lev out to try a scope yesterday.” Its just a statement of fact. Simple, elegant, and it meant she had something else to say. Ellie gives her a look, urging her on as much as she didn’t particularly want to hear it. Dina purses her lips. “He’s not bad for a beginner.”

“Lucky.”

“You don’t believe in luck.” Dina retorts. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t know what else to say.” 

“I thought you were getting past this.” Dina sounds frustrated, but Ellie knows she gets it. She was okay with it when it was behind her. Now its everywhere all over again and its overwhelming. She begins to pick at her nails under Dina’s scrutiny. 

Silence hangs.

“I see her, walking around, _smiling_ with that kid and all, and its like…” _I had that_.

“Well, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I like her, or even that I'm not pissed that she wasn’t torn apart by a bloater since we last saw each other… but I can’t hold coming here against that kid.” 

“I know.” 

“So we need to work on that.” ‘We’ sounds good. Ellie isn’t the only one who had taken hits when it came to those two.

“Every time I see her… I see that club in her hands.” She says, and Dina doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that, but she rests her hand on Ellie’s shoulder anyway, and Ellie misses her so much it chokes her, but that part of their lives is done, and she can’t take it back. 

*

The stables have become a semi safe haven. Not that they don’t have their own painful memories to deal with. 

Ellie likes horses. Animals in general, actually, but the steady movement of brushing them down relaxes her, especially now. She’s doing just that when her little safe space is shattered. 

She hears a throat clear and she knows its her immediately. Her hands pause, shaky and uneven, before she looks over. 

Abby is in the next stall, separated by bars and it feels fitting. Safer, somehow, that even a second ago. 

“Hey.” Abby says, and Ellie just nods, a silent agreement that they are in fact sharing a space, but not that she wants to talk. Abby doesn’t pick up on it. “First patrol today.”

“Have fun then.” Ellie’s hand resumes its work. The horse she’s brushing down isn’t hers, but it still reacts to her stress, stomping soundly on its bedded floor. She hopes that will be the end of it, that Abby has fulfilled whatever it is that she wanted to achieve by approaching her, but there’s no sound of boots retreating. “Do you want something?”

“You shouldn’t have to hide in your own town.” Abby sounds gruff, like the words hurt as she speaks but she’s doing it anyway. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I hope we can find better ways to avoid each other.”

She takes her leave then, and Ellie starts grinding her teeth without noticing. She can still see her, through the grates as she walks away and out the door, and the comfort the stall had had faded away, and now she just feels closed in. 

Knowing Abby is gone, and in need of a drink, she heads straight for the bar. 

*

Ellie doesn’t even try to get back to normal until its been almost two months, and even then its slow. 

Her nerves are shot to pieces, and nothing much has helped. The rest of Jackson is starting to calm down, and move on. Its been years, after all, since that day. But Ellie still carries her mother's switchblade as she roams the streets. 

Its nearing the end of summer, and the cooling weather is only days away, but it feels good to have sun on her skin again, as much as it crawls. She tries to acknowledge people as she passes, but she knows the sight of her around now is bound to cause some gossip. 

She sees Lev first, carrying around a bundle of hay with what looks like a lot of effort, and her hackles go up. She feels like her head had just been pummelled through a wall. 

Abby follows out (two hay bundles in her arms and a big, dopey smile on her face), and Ellie fights the urge to duck behind a cart of food. Instinct licks at her heels but she moves forward anyway, Dina’s voice ringing in her ears, and she forces herself not to think of Jesse again. 

When Abby notices her, her hand running through Lev’s hair to muss it up, she freezes. If Ellie could have broken their eye contact, she would have noticed Lev keying in, reaching out to hold Abby’s arm to keep her steady. Ellie didn’t see it, but Abby feels him there, and her face slides into an easy one, offering a little wave and a nod. 

Ellie doesn’t reciprocate. 

Instead, she goes to the stables, and polishes off the tack that she hadn’t done the day before. Honestly, if the gleam from those saddles didn’t get someone ambushed by runners, she’ll be surprised. 

There’s a horse, tied by his halter to the rails while a farrier works on his shoes, and Ellie watches him as she scrubs. He tosses his big head whenever the woman beside him moves too quickly, straining against the tether. Its shocking that it doesn’t break under the raw power of his movement, but the bonds stay strong, and no one is hurt. 

And its like something clicks into place. 

She plays with the stirrups for a bit, making sure all the dirt and brains are wiped away, before she wanders home in a daze. 

*

“Wait what?” 

Ellie doesn’t look at her, because she doesn’t want to see how she’s reacting. 

She doesn’t say anything, and Abby clears her throat when the silence stretches. “Do you think it would help?”

Ellie shrugs. “Yeah.”

Ellie had been given a new house when she got back from California. Its not much bigger than her last domicile, but she couldn’t keep living in Joel’s chalet. A new family had moved into that house anyway. Her new place is fine, its dry and warm and has more than one room, but she’s still not used to being alone in there. Its not much better with people. 

She hears Abby stand, and drags herself up to match. She still towers over Ellie, but its less threatening somehow, when they are on equal footing. Especially when Abby kind of looks like she’s the one in danger. It doesn’t feel as good as it should. All she really sees is that shell, the one she fought on the beach, and that is not what she needs to overcome. 

“Then I’m up for it.” Abby states, holding herself high like she trusts her own judgement on this one, even though Ellie can’t imagine she would, if the roles were reversed. “Lev can’t know.”

“No one can.” Ellie is quick to clarify, because _no one can know_ she’s doing this. Dina wouldn’t like it, and she can already feel the chewing out Maria would give her for even having this conversation at all. The air in her room is almost solid with tension and she twists the belt in her hands, testing its strength like she hadn’t done it a million times. 

Suddenly Abby is in front of her, still keeping her distance, but so much closer than before and it sends Ellie’s pulse into overdrive. But she’s holding her hands out in front of her, palms up as they curl into fists. Ellie notices the shake in them.

“Behind your back.” She murmurs, and Abby seems hesitant, but does as she’s told. She turns away, and Ellie can sense the apprehension rolling off her shoulders as she tightens the straps, not sparing any roughness. She runs her fingers under the leather to give a tug, making sure it is tight enough, before she moves on to stage two. 

Abby starts when Ellie loops the rope between her arms, but she can’t move faster than Ellie can, and she knows she’s lost this one. Ellie is good with knots - its something she’s been mastering for the last few weeks - and she had fastened the other end to the solid old radiator the night before. Not that Abby knows that, and she fights wildly. 

“What the fuck!” Abby doesn’t roar the way she expected her too, but its spat at her with enough venom to sound like it anyway. “That wasn’t part of it!”

Ellie is confident her job is done, that Abby can’t get free, but she watches her fight it for a while, before the relaxation comes in. And it comes hard. 

It’s a burst of euphoria to see her stop struggling, like all the sounds around them die away to nothing. Ellie has a smile on her face, even if she’s not sure how it got there. 

She collapses down onto her bed, sitting when her legs feel too weak to stand anymore. Abby just watches her. She looks calm, but Ellie can see all the ways that she’s not; like how her eyes dart around the room, the stress rash coming up her neck, and the bulging of her veins. 

“Fuck, sorry.” As quickly as the good feelings came, they’re gone. Abby just watches her. Ellie feels sick. “Sorry.”

She’s up and undoing the binds quickly, and as they fall away Abby rolls her shoulders. For a moment Ellie thinks she might punch her, and that she deserves it, but it doesn’t come. 

Instead, Abby looks like she might say something, but doesn’t, albeit a few stuttered beginnings of words that lead nowhere. Ellie sits down as soon as she can, and doesn’t look up again until she leaves. 

*

Jackson is a strange place.

Lev hasn’t lived like this in a long time. He remembers the feeling, from being little, but existing with his guard down is a luxury he hasn’t enjoyed consciously before. Its exhilarating and freeing in ways nothing has been before. It doesn’t come without drawbacks.

They were given a house. Its not in great condition, but they’re fixing it up, little by little. Its good. He enjoys it, even if its all completely foreign to him, and watching Abby tinker with wires freaks him out a little. 

Abby freaks him out a little. 

Lev didn’t know what overcame her when Jackson even became an option, but once she set her mind on something, it was hard to get her off of it. So here they were. 

But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice. Abby is easy to read, and wears most of her emotions in her work out schedule, so he knows its not as good as she says. He doesn’t think he’s seen her sleep since they arrived. Granted, he does sleep a lot, but it was noticeable in the bags under her eyes too. 

Abby works out when she’s thinking. Lev used to joke about it, because it was funny, but it doesn’t feel appropriate anymore. Not when she’s spending hours at night on the floor. 

He asks her about it one day, and she tries to brush him off, because that’s what she does. But Lev isn’t much of a quitter, and Abby just isn’t as stubborn as she thinks she is.

“I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He watches her count push ups, until she hits twenty and he starts to feel the tingling boredom all over again. “Where were you earlier?”

“Busy, Lev.” She grunts. “We have chores now.” 

“But you finished your-”

Abby growls and rises up again. “I’m working on stuff with Ellie, okay?”

Lev swallows. As much as he is happy here, he knows how much stress it comes with. He sees it in the way she moves, so much more guarded than usual. Honestly, he has seen her more at ease in a house of runners than during the average day in Jackson, and it leaves a bad taste in his mouth, no matter what Abby says to try and keep him unaware. 

He’s so grateful for her, feels so indebted to her, but there is nothing he can do for her here. He rests hand on her shoulder when she sits again, a quiet show of companionship that he knows she needs sometimes, but will never just ask for. She places her hand over his, just for a moment. 

“Okay, kid, go to bed.”

“You should sleep too.” 

“I’ll follow you later.” 

He doesn’t fully believe her. 

*

For Abby, the whole thing feels very surreal. 

From being surrounded by people again, to their very presence in Jackson itself, none of it felt very real. She is twitchy and restless, constantly, because she can never relax the way she used to. Even as the people that she never affected (people who weren’t even _here_ when Joel was alive) start to come around to her, it did little to ease the feeling that someone had her in their sights. And that person _hated her_. 

That didn’t even touch on how tiring the sight of Ellie was. 

As much as she would never admit it, Abby had hoped before they arrived that maybe Ellie never had. That she died in the water where they left her and she would never come after them again. It helped her sleep at night. 

Of course that was all dashed aside when she saw her, and it made the bitter taste of blood under her tongue ring sharper than usual. 

She’s afraid of her; specifically of waking up one day to blood, and Lev… So, when Ellie tied her, once she realised that she could not free herself, she was certain she had been right all along, and that Ellie had just been biding her time until she struck. And, just for a second, it was oddly peaceful. It was the first time in as long as Abby could reasonably remember that she hadn’t been looking over her shoulder, because the danger had already arrived, already bested her, and already set her fate in stone. 

She feels like that a lot these days. That her story had already been written by some phantom force, and all she had to do was wait for the end. 

She is still standing, and its not by her graces alone. 

And now that she’s back home (safe, if you want to call it that) where she can sit in her armchair, her secret pistol buried into the ripped padding, and keep watch, she can’t stop herself from dwelling on that feeling. 

She can hear Lev snoring a little upstairs, a fact that used to be a source of stress, but now something she can take comfort in. It meant he was still alive, and the sounds of the street below being infinitely louder… well it was just one of the things that make her new nightly routine worth it. 

She usually falls asleep before sunrise, and Lev would wake her to go for a breakfast run whenever he finally crawled out of bed. Its not the best she’s ever lived, but it works, and she is happy in her own way. Living without the threat of infected is liberating, more so than the Wolves ever had been. 

It doesn’t mean it is easy. 

Ellie approaches her two days later. It’s a surprise, and Abby doesn’t know how to react to her, so she stands in stunned silence while the other woman struggles to formulate some words to fill the awkward space between them. 

“Look, I just wanted to say again that I’m sorry.” It doesn’t sound like she’s sorry. It sounds like someone’s holding a gun to her head. Though, that is how Ellie just seemed to sound in general, so Abby tries to take her on her words. She knows she’s no emotional standard either.

“Its cool.” 

Ellie is violently massaging the back of her neck, keeping herself calm in the most base way possible, refusing to look at her. The stubs of her last two fingers move uselessly against her skin. 

“I’m trying to make this work.” Ellie says, and it feels kind pointless to discuss what’s already been agreed, but Abby nods anyway. “You, being here-”

“I know.” Abby sounds tired despite herself, and regrets it immediately because Ellie looks like she’s about to flee in the opposite direction and that’s not what she needs right now. She’s already on thin ice, Maria made that much clear as day, and this isn’t going to help her rep. “Sorry, but I don’t know what you want me to do.”

Ellie shrugs. Abby can feel people looking at them, staring at the duo that every single occupant of this town genuinely thought might brawl in the street any day now, and she hates it. She’s never been much for getting a lot of attention from people, but its especially difficult to deal with when she knows at least a few of those eyes are gearing themselves up to intervene if anything goes wrong. 

When Ellie doesn’t say anything, Abby steps up to the plate. “Can we do this somewhere else?”

“Um, yeah.” Ellie turns around, robotic in her movement, and gestures for her to follow. 

She leads her to her house, and Abby is almost nervous, but Ellie leads her around the back instead of inside, and they sit on brittle chairs in the garden. There’s a bucket of cigarette ends, and Abby wrinkles her nose at the smell, but waits patiently for Ellie to speak her piece. 

She needs to do this. Its what’s right. 

That doesn’t mean she’s a god though, and eventually the restless energy gets the best of her. “If you want to try that thing again you just have to ask.” It’s a lame attempt at a joke, and Ellie looks at her likes she’s just shot a puppy. Its not the worst reaction she’s ever gotten. 

“I don’t think I can do this yet.” Ellie admits, and Abby watches her rise up and walk inside without so much as another glance in her direction.

Not their worst interaction by a long shot. 

*

Going through her old journals is a frenzied rush. Ellie is not even sure what has driven her to it, but she flicks through them all, hands brushing against words and lyrics and pictures she doesn’t even remember partaking in. And it is the first thing to drive her to tears in a while. 

She had kept them all safe in a box, but that box had been left untouched for a while, and she’s surprised by how much of it resonates with her still. She misses JJ like nothing else, even now. 

( _Can I offer the scraps now?_  
_Gristle and bone. Chewed up and rotting._  
_Or will it make them sick…_ )

She had dated a few entries, and it shocks her to know that some of her writings are five years past. Its cathartic, in its own way. Until she turns the page and sees a sketch she vividly remembers drawing, in the dark and in the middle of the night. 

Its Abby, as she used to know her, and its only a basic sketch, with only the most basic outlines of a face, but its clearly her, and Ellie kind of wants to rip the page out. But she won’t, because she had dragged these books across the country and that makes them feel precious and important. Too important to ruin. Also there’s some more detailed drawings of JJ on the back that she won’t sacrifice. 

Ellie closes the journal with a sigh, and stuffs it back with the others, kicking the lot of them under the bed where she doesn’t have to look at them anymore. 

She’s proud of how she’s doing, but she hasn’t felt anything but heavy for months. The only slip in that monotony being that moment with Abby in her living room. And she is wary to go back there, even in her own head. 

Instead, she gets up and goes to walk it off. She visits Joel, because as much as she doesn’t believe he can give her some kind of epiphany about what to do next, she likes telling him stuff, even if it feels kinda dumb sometimes. She was never the best at communicating with him when he was actually around to respond, and she regrets that every day. More than anything else really. 

She invites Abby around again, ties her wrists in front of her body this time, and they talk about Lev. Its safe, and a conversation that they can steer safely away from anything that had previously connected them. Honestly, she is also just plain curious. 

Still. Ellie worried that the first time had been a cruel fluke from inside herself, that her body has somehow sensed her betrayal and given her a rush just to offset the guilt, but that doesn’t seem to be it. Abby is wary, worried that she is about to be tricked again, but Ellie has no plans to do that. 

They don’t talk about much after that, but after half an hour, Ellie kind of feels like a person again, and not some out of control mess, stuck between hell and a worse place. 

She sleeps a little easier that night. 

*

Ellie works on it in her own time. She has some old materials to toy around with, and it’s a welcome distraction. Something to do besides think about what she is doing and how _not okay_ it is that she’s asking for it. 

Abby comes over, because they planned this out properly this time, and Ellie doesn’t rush her. Its not the first time they’ve done this on equal footing, not even the third or fourth now, but it’s the first time that Ellie has been prepared properly. 

It isn’t a complex system that she has built. A repurposed pair of handcuffs, wrapped in leather to keep the grip from visibly injuring, was the most impressive of the bunch. Ellie had stretched the loops of the chain connecting the two bracelets, so much so that she can slip a rope between the links if she wanted too. She didn’t think about the rest of the gear she has made. Because its one step at a time and the idea makes her feel dizzy. 

“You ready?” She asks, after Abby has picked up her cuffs. She watches her touch them, inspecting them as if she might critique Ellie’s craftsmanship. Eventually, she hands them back to Ellie, and spares her a glance in the eye for once. 

“Yeah.” 

She moves to turn her back to Ellie, and its clear that there is an act taking place here. She’s nervous, and Ellie sucks in a harsh breath, letting it out like a whistle. Abby laughs. “Just because I let you tie me up, doesn’t mean you can ogle me.” She quips, like an instinct, and Ellie is so taken back she almost physically retreats. 

“Does Lev like your jokes?” She asks, once she catches her breath. Ellie doesn’t have the best grasp of social queues, but she can still see the chance to lessen the tension and jumps to take advantage. She’s almost able to handle the way her stomach twists and twirls as she does. 

Abby is facing the wall, not Ellie, but she shakes her head anyway. “Not really.”

Ellie grumbles, as good naturedly as she physically can given the circumstance. She can feel heat creeping up her neck, and prays that it doesn’t show on her skin. She snaps the lock closed around Abby’s wrists. 

“Comfy?” She asks, and Abby fidgets in her binds for a moment. Ellie can’t tell of she’s just humouring her or if she’s being serious. 

“I guess.”

Ellie takes that as a win, fighting off the niggling part of her psyche that is determined to look at this as a moral failing, so she can just _enjoy this_. 

It takes her a minute to realise that she’s not the only one. 

“Do you get something from this?” She asks, and rushes to continue when Abby fixes her with a stare. “Why are you here?”

“Y’know, talking isn’t part of this deal.” Abby shuffles in place for a minute, stepping in place to stretch her legs, and looking everywhere but at Ellie. 

The new house is nice. The bedroom especially. Its not got a lot of space, but there is a desk and storage and a mattress with only a few lumps so its paradise in its own way. Ellie sees her taking in the posters and drawings, and feels a sudden wave of anxiety at the prospect, because very few people actually come in here now. She keeps most at the hearty distance having an actual living room allows her to. 

Abby’s handcuffs clink every time she moves, and even though Ellie can’t see them, the knowledge that they are there and secure and she is _safe_ makes her feel like she’s floating. Its like nostalgia without the pain of the loss, and Ellie has never experienced anything as delicious to the senses. 

“You know, I gave up everything, when I came after you in Santa Barbara.” Ellie says. She’s in a haze, blissful and unguarded, and she doesn’t know what to do once the words form in the air between them. 

Abby starts, but doesn’t say anything, because she knows there is more to come. Ellie finds it eventually. 

“I had that happy ending.” She finally musters, and its enough to get her point across. Abby narrows her eyes.

“Why then?”

Ellie didn’t really have an answer for her, so she gives one to the best of her ability.

“I guess I made you into something you weren’t.”

Abby doesn’t say anything for a while, but Ellie feels her eyes and waits for her. 

“I understand why you can’t forgive me.” Ellie shakes her head, because for all intents and purposes she _has_ , but Abby doesn’t let her interrupt. “I hope this helps.” She jingles the chain again, like it’s a game, and its not a game. 

They don’t say anything for a while after that. Abby closes her eyes, and if she weren’t standing Ellie might have thought she was asleep. Who knows, maybe she could do that and sleeps standing like a horse, and as ridiculous as it sounds, Ellie believes it with the steadiness of her breathing and the stillness of stance. 

Ellie just watches her, trapped in the comfort it brings her to know she’s in control again, until a golden rip of sunlight passes through the room, and she knows she needs to end this. 

Abby opens her eyes when she gets close, and her jaw clenches tight when Ellie reaches for the key to free her. 

“I kinda thought you were asleep for a minute there.” Ellie says in a moment of awkward determination to break them both back into reality, and Abby snorts. She does look tired though. Ellie slides the binds from her wrists, Abby quickly shaking off the stiffness that’s bound to be creeping pins and needles all the way to her shoulders. 

“I kinda was.” Abby mutters and they share a brief moment of being on equal ground before Abby nods, mutters “Okay,” and leaves quickly. Ellie figures she probably has places to be, now that the sun is going down, and settles in to watch a movie, because she doesn’t think she can face another person after that. 

She pops some popcorn and settles in for the predictable bout of guilt that she knows is coming. 

Its worth it though.

*

Dina gets wind of her talking to Abby. 

Its not unexpected and Ellie is certain she knows somethings been up for a while, and when she brings up Jesse, she understands what’s going on here. 

“Its hard for other people too.” She says. The guilt feels suffocating. 

She hasn’t brought JJ with her either, and it feels like she’s trying to say something with that. 

Briefly, Ellie allows herself to entertain the idea that Dina is jealous. It’s a mistake, because she knows that even if that were the case, it wasn’t something she could ever capitalise on. That part of her life is done. 

Ellie had already made her choice. She was the one who had made Abby into something she wasn’t. Something so powerful and all consuming that she sacrificed her perfect life, and decided something could ever be as important. She didn’t feel that way anymore, but she understands. 

Dina doesn’t hang around long, just finishes her tea and leaves the cup in the sink, but she does rest her hand solidly on the back of Ellie’s neck as she passes. A hint of solidarity, maybe. At least, that’s what Ellie is going with. 

*

She is wearing a tank top this time. 

Its still cold outside, but Abby had been assigned to construction duty the last week, and she said it was worth the cold to have the free range of motion. Ellie doesn’t agree. 

It reminds her a little too much of the theatre, but it also kind of works for her at the same time. Abby’s physique is undeniably impressive, and having her safely neutralised like this is leagues ahead of what Ellie is used to feeling, so she lets herself enjoy the set of circumstances that let them both here. 

However, Abby is in a rare good form today, and moves about a little too much for her liking. 

“Are you and Dina still together?” She asks, and Ellie stiffens, because Abby should know better than to ask about that, but she answers anyway. 

“No. I told you we broke up.”

“That’s too bad, she seems cool.” Ellie finally looks up from the curve in Abby’s arms to her face, sees her looking at an old drawing of her ex partner, with a focus on the way her freckles popped against her skin. Ellie has a wave of self consciousness again, but tries to swallow it down. 

“She is cool.” She says instead, and hopes that’s enough to end it. 

They slide back into silence, and Ellie’s mind whirs, because she really wants to try something, but she’s scared to ask for it. Abby has taken to standing by the back window, where she can watch the people work on the fields. She could even see the stables and the corral for the cows. Ellie never really looks away from her. 

In a moment for forgetful honesty, Ellie asked a question she has already voiced before. “Why do you keep coming back here?”

“I don’t want you to decide one day that you regret not killing us.” 

The words feel like acid in Ellie’s ears. “I won’t do that.” 

“Dina has a kid, doesn’t she? You said you had a family.” Ellie doesn’t get why she’s asking, but nods anyway. “Then you get not being able to take someone’s word as it comes.”

Ellie did understand that. JJ was becoming a child now, from a toddler, and one that could get into his own trouble. Ellie worried about him every day. It stung that she might be the cause of the same feeling. Even in this case.

“I’d never hurt Lev.” She says. Abby looks like her with something like pity behind her eyes. Ellie has been playing with the keys between her fingers, and squeezes them until the ache becomes distracting enough. Her hands shake under the pressure. 

Abby closes her eyes, deep in through it seems, until Ellie clears her throat. She’s still looking at her, still waiting for her to say something (anything) to make clear that she knows Ellie will not touch a hair of that boy’s head. Abby doesn’t give her the satisfaction, and after so much compliance on her part before, its uncomfortable. Instead, she answers another question. 

“Yeah, I think this does something for me too. I don’t have to worry about all that, when there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” She jingles her cuffs again. 

Abby has a old wound on her chest. Ellie hasn’t noticed it until now, but it runs as a jagged and ugly scar. She has others too, and Ellie knows that they are hers. Even without crystal clear memory, even without the will itself to remember, Ellie knows she caused this. 

She’s watching the puckered skin move as she breathes, when something so minuscule happens.

Abby coughs, and moves her shoulder as if to cover it. It’s a quick instinctual movement that shouldn’t have had any consequences, but something in Ellie sprung to life; the movement too quick or too sudden for her to ignore. 

Ellie surges forward, using what momentum she had to slam Abby back into the bookshelf. Its hard, and Abby bares her teeth like a snarl as soon as her spine makes contact. For a moment they hang in a middle ground where they both understand that the next move, whatever it was, would change this. Whatever 'this' is. 

Abby is heaving breaths, staring down at Ellie in the brief space they have between them. Ellie’s arm is across her chest, close to her neck but not enough to threaten her air supply. Just holding her in place. She can feel the scratch of her throat as she swallows. 

Maybe this has gone to far, and she has ended up in a position that, after all this time, might be the one to kill her. 

But it never comes, and the fire in Ellie’s eyes morphs and changes through a million different forms as she stares into them, daring her to just _do it_ , whatever it is to be. Ellie pushes against her with all her weight, until they’re only inches apart and Abby gets what is going on now. 

When she realises Ellie isn’t going to do anything, she follows through instead. 

Abby kisses her with open eyes and a roaring pulse. Its tense, because she doesn’t know how Ellie is going to take it, but it doesn’t last long enough to matter, because Ellie leaps back like she’s been shot, until she hits against the opposite wall. It would be funny if Abby wasn’t worried she had been stabbed in the middle of it all, her adrenaline running too hard to notice it. 

“What the fuck?” Ellie gasps, after a beat too long and with the most upset look on her face. “What was that?”

And then Abby is struggling for a whole other reason. “I don’t know.” She tries, a lukewarm attempt to keep eyes off her. If the world was ever to split apart and swallow them all down to its core, now would be the time. 

“You kissed me.” Its not a question. Abby answers anyway. 

“You moved first.”

“Whatever.” Ellie grabs the key and unlocks her, throwing everything aside and turning angry eyes on her. Abby doesn’t think she’s seen her like this since they arrived. Her stomach is in knots. “You can go now.”

Abby doesn’t think she _should_ , but she does as she’s told and leaves. She feels sick the whole walk home. 

Lev is already there, probably having arrived not long before her, and gives her a big grin as soon as he sees her. She returns it as best she can, and tries to push her thoughts aside. 

“One of the dogs is pregnant.” He says, out of nowhere. 

“You want one?” She asks. He’s gotten so much more comfortable when it comes to them, and she misses having an animal around, so its kind of thrilling to see the smile spread across Lev’s face. Enough that she can almost forget about her shaky legs and buzzing head. 

Lev goes on to explain that they could maybe call it ‘Aly’, (because the memory of Alice is still a bit sore, but fond), and that the mother is a German Shepard. Its perfect. 

“Unless that’s too much like ‘Ellie’.” He says. Abby hates that he always seems to know when something is going on. She’s never been great with secrets anyway, but the red flush up her neck doesn’t help her now. 

“I think its perfect.” She says. Lev will let her away with it, because he lets her take her time when he knows she needs it, but she still feels the lick of guilt. She wants to be honest with him about everything, but not when it might bring him any unnecessary distress. 

So they talk about dogs instead. 

*

Ellie goes to find Dina, because she doesn’t know what else to do. 

She finds her at home, over a vat of exposed wires. 

“What did that used to be?” She asks, in lieu of a greeting. 

“It was, and will be again, another transmitter. They want one in every outpost now.”

“Seems like a bit much.” 

“Hmm, its something to do.” 

Ellie advances slowly, because she’s craving that closeness with another human being that Dina is really the only one left who can give, until she’s close enough to smell the soft undertones of whatever soap she had bartered to get that month. 

She wraps her arms around her from behind, once she’s close enough to do it, and Dina jumps, but a hand comes up to cradle Ellie’s arm, and Ellie lets herself relax for a minute. 

Dina keeps her home cosy, the way a home is meant to feel. Ellie feels a sudden burst of what can only be described as physical pain. 

She misses her so much some days. 

A moment of weakness leads her to lean down, to press a kiss to the space where Dina’s neck meets her shoulders. For a moment, Dina doesn’t react, and its like nothing ever happened, and they are back on their farm, with nothing left to fear and everything at their fingertips. But that moment ends, and Ellie finds the memory of warmth disappears quickly, once the source is gone. 

“Ellie…” It sounds pitying, and suddenly its all too much, and Ellie gets out of there because there is too much history between them for her. 

Dina explains to her in an awkward exchange the next morning, when she corners her on the way to rotation, that she needs a break. A real one. Its like a knife is being twisted in her gut. 

But Ellie gets it, and she tells her as much, even as it hurts already to watch her walk away. 

*

Abby is surprised when she sees her name on the roster next to Ellie’s. She asks Maria about it when she sees her next, but she doesn’t really have answers for her, or time to explain really. 

“Look, she requested you. I don’t want to interrogate her any more than I have too.” She says, all in a rush and Abby doesn’t want to say what’s really on her mind. Maria gets it though. “Whatever is still between you too, if she kills you, she’ll face the consequences.” Abby can tell she’s being sincere, but that doesn’t make it any more appealing. 

“Okay.” She says, because she doesn’t know how else to respond, and she goes home to tell Lev, because she doesn’t know what else to do. 

He explains that this is what she needs, that she’s in her element out there no matter what, but Abby is more worried about being locked in some basement with no ammo and no one at her back than her own genuine ability. 

No matter how she dreads it, the day comes, and she meets Ellie at the gates with a resigned kind of confidence. Whatever happens is already written, and she’s going to go in as coolly as she can. 

She’s gotten better at riding since they arrived, and even has her own horse now, a bay mare that she hasn’t gotten around to naming. She’s already in the saddle by the time Ellie makes it there. 

“Hey.” She greets her, and Ellie grimaces a little, but returns the sentiment. They’re doing the Southern trail today, one Abby has never been assigned to before. The day is overcast, and Abby is already shivering in her jacket under the heavy air by the time they set off, Ellie taking the lead. 

It’s a significant ride, and there are dark clouds hanging by the time they make it to the first check in. Ellie feels the moisture in the air biting at her skin as they ride on, along the edges of the highway. No infected yet, and Ellie is starting to wonder what it is that she is doing here exactly, when Abby seems to perk up, like a dog at the sound of a snapping branch. 

“Wait.” She dismounts, kind of abruptly and with little grace. “I hear something.”

Ellie strains her ears, and there it is. A faint kind of howling that she knows so well. Abby is already weaving through the cars, her eyebrows in knots, when there is a quick roll of thunder. Its ricochets around the clouds, and followed behind is the unmistakable wail of a clicker. Abby closes in fast. 

She moves slowly, they both do, before Abby gets frustrated and lets out a harsh whistle to try and force the infected into giving up its position. Ellie has heard this sound before, and it runs like chill through her blood. 

She understands that Lev is one of those ‘Scars’ (“ _Seraphites_ ,” Abby corrects) but its still a sound that makes her a little trigger happy. She remembers the smell of burning flesh and curdling blood, mixing with smoke and screams, and its not a fond memory. She pushes the reel of discomfort aside. 

It turns out to be in an old RV. Ellie can hear it banging around in there like a pick dropped into the body of a guitar, and she un-holsters her weapon. Abby has already rounded the vehicle, out of her line of sight. Ellie has a sudden rush then, a jolting of something that has her moving forward at almost a run to get to the door, but she can already hear the crack as it is yanked open. 

Ellie doesn’t like it. It is too quick, too unplanned, and by the time she has her sights on the clicker, Abby already has her machete in hand. 

She swings as soon as the shivering body finds its way out into the open, and the aim is true. 

It goes down in two solid hits, and Ellie holds her gun limply as she watches the body collapse down in a heap, most of its armour scattered and useless now. Abby wipes off the blade on its tattered clothes. 

“What the fuck?” It comes out like a whisper, and Abby doesn’t hear it. Ellie tucks her gun away in her back pocket, trying to calm the blood that’s running too hot through her chest. 

“I wonder how long that’s been there.” Abby murmurs, but Ellie is pretty sure that it isn’t for her to hear, that she’s talking to herself. She does that too sometimes. 

She answers anyway. “Too long.”

Abby snorts, and they take it upon themselves to look around a little, to make sure the rest of the relics are all clear, before moving on. 

The sky opens up not long after that, and they are soaked through trying to make it to the string of houses that will be their final stop. Ellie has never been so glad to see an open door, and they ride in with probably less apprehension than they should, but they’re tired, and freezing, and Ellie has never wanted a hot shower more. 

Its not likely she’ll get it. If they get really lucky, they might find a generator. Maybe some dry clothes. Ellie doesn’t have the will to be hopeful.

The rain comes down in lashes that pelt on the windows hard enough to drown out any sound the horses make. Ellie is kind of frustrated having to leave them in the garage, because at least while she is with them, she could pretend this was going to be a quick stop. By the way the wind whipped the rickety overhead door, that was clearly not going to be the case. 

When she can’t put it off anymore, she follows Abby into the larger house. She spots her rummaging around, trying to get her bearings she assumes, because that’s what Ellie would be doing too. Instead of trying to awkwardly share space, she heads upstairs to look around. 

It’s not a big house; no ‘summer home’, as Joel had once mockingly called some of the lodges that surrounded Jackson. There’s two bedrooms, each clear of infected and with closets full of clothes. Ellie pulls out a few pieces to check for mould or rot. It all looks good. 

She’s focused, but she still hears Abby coming up the stairs, and looks up to see her in the doorway. 

“What are you doing?”

“Just looking for anything useful.” 

Abby has already made her way inside, and Ellie realises that she never really looked at the room. 

It clearly belonged to a young person, once upon a time. The walls are coated in posters, some of which Ellie has seen before, others less familiar, and the walls beneath were probably once white. Its nice, a room Ellie can see her younger self enjoying, and she doesn’t notice that Abby is right beside her, looking through the drawers, until her hips brush against Abby’s thigh and she has to fight back the sound of surprise. 

She can feel the effort Abby is making. She wants to talk, and Ellie can’t blame her, but that doesn’t mean she cannot try and avoid a little longer. So, she doesn’t let Abby guide her into it. 

They sort through clothes, until Ellie gets bored and moves on to the record collection. There’s a few good ones littered in there, but nothing interesting enough to warrant a reaction. In fact, they say nothing at all, besides the odd and unexpected murmur when something interesting did appear, until-

“Oh fuck.” Its not uttered in alarm, but Ellie still looks to her. She’s holding something, a piece of material that Ellie can only describe as a vest cut off at the ribs. It is a deep purple, and Abby is already turning it inside out, looking at the faded tags inside. 

“What’s that?” She finds herself asking, after Abby whispers something too quiet to hear. 

“It’s a binder.” She says. “I read about them.”

“Okay.” Ellie has a bit of a laugh in her voice, because she never actually answered her question. Abby’s eyes land on her, and her eyebrows rise up a little. 

“I thought you were gay?” She doesn’t sound like she’s judging her, but Ellie feels a slight surge of defensiveness. She bottles it away, and gestures for Abby to continue with a quirk of her head. 

Abby sighs, folding the binder away and placing it carefully in her backpack. “Lev is transgender.” Ellie knows what that means, because she’s read everything she could find about what life was like for people like her before the outbreak. Even back then, the content surrounding transgender people (at least what was written) wasn’t much. 

She doesn’t know what to say really, so she goes for the obvious. “So what, it flattens his chest?” Abby just nods, but its clear she’s thrilled by the find. A thought strikes. “Is that why he’s with you?”

Abby nods again, and the fractured particles of what Ellie knows and understands about their time before this begin to slide into place. 

“I’m glad he has you then.” She concludes, when Abby doesn’t say anything more. 

Its an easy quiet that surrounds them after, picking through clothes in the other bedroom to hopefully find something that might actually fit them. Ellie doesn’t see any women’s clothes here, and wonders if this really could have been her life, if it wasn’t for… well everything. 

She has found some jeans, loose but warm, and she’s still looking through the sweaters for something that might fit when she hears Abby make a sound of triumph, and turns around just in time to watch her strip off her shirt. The muscles and scars across her back pull taut under her skin. Ellie averts her eyes. 

Instead of apologising for something Abby probably didn’t even notice, she turns back to the drawers, seeking distraction. She could lie and say she’s unaffected, but as the cloth rustles around and she’s sure Abby is decent, she feels her stomach twist and her palms sweat. 

Ellie doesn’t lie to herself anymore. 

The storm outside batters the building, relentless and brutal to the point of worry, but Ellie manages to get a fire going with pieces of broken furniture (they smashed it up together, oddly cathartic). They’re already pretty certain they’re in it for the long haul, and Ellie kind of understands now what Abby had explained before; something about certainly in confinement that Ellie can’t quite recall.

The house truly is a lucky find, and Ellie cannot call it anything but miraculous that there is still some drink in the liquor cabinet. Abby seems reluctant at first, until Ellie has drained a significant enough fraction to dispel any fears she may have had. 

Ellie assumes it must be late, but the fire is roaring and she’s finally able to feel her body again, just in time to realise she has gotten a little drunk. But the room is warm and drowsy; she’s listening to Abby tell the last of her story with Lev, how they had escaped the island, and it feels oddly harrowing. She gets a shiver up her spine. 

“I know the rest.” She interrupts before Abby can bring them back to land, because she knows exactly what happened next. And she doesn’t want to get into that when her mind is fuzzy and she sees things behind her eyelids that she doesn’t remember conjuring. 

Abby nods, rubbing her hands together trying to get as much warmth into them as she can. She’s clearly not sober either, Ellie can tell in the way she’s holding herself. “You should get some sleep.” She says, and Ellie narrows her eyes. 

“Uh, why me?” 

“We should sleep in shifts.” Abby doesn’t look at her, and instead picks up the empty bottle of booze, examining it like the label contained the answers to all of her questions. 

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Then I’ll take first watch. I’m not tired.”

Abby shakes her head, and Ellie is sure she hears her mutter something under her breath, but neither of them get up to leave. 

She’s changed into a t-shirt, and its too tight on her arms, bunching up a little around her shoulders. It should look kind of funny, but Ellie can’t look away from it, or the clear prominence of her collarbones as they disappear into fabric. She’s looking closer to the woman that Ellie had drawn in her journal, but Ellie sees her differently, and she notices that oddly peacefully. 

Ellie also notices that she’s probably been staring too long, because Abby has met her gaze and is holding it strong. 

And maybe its just the drink, or the way the ill fitting pants rub against her as she moves, but Ellie finds herself on her feet in front of her, watching as her own shape blocks out the reflection of the fire in Abby’s eyes. 

She understands that this will not solve her issues, and that she is in fact probably about to make a massive mistake as far as her own sense of self is concerned, but Abby is holding her stare, and she watches her swallow like its painful. Abby finds herself grabbing hold of the armrest a little too hard, her arms flexing, barely even registering it until pain shoots up her wrist. 

The moment Ellie enters her space is the last chance to back out, and the moment is long. Purposefully, because moments like these always feel that way, but also because Ellie doesn’t know what she is doing. When no resistance comes, she crawls up until she’s straddling her, and presses their lips together. 

Abby doesn’t hold back, responds with what she can, even though her arms remain firmly by her side, so Ellie urges her on, wrapping her own around her neck to deepen the kiss. Her blood roars in her ears, so much so that despite the fact that she knows it is quiet and that they are alone, she feels nervous energy spin through her, and shivers like a leaf. She ducks her head to the expanse of Abby’s neck, and tries to control her breathing. 

“Are you okay?” Abby doesn’t sound much better than she feels. 

“Just touch me.” Ellie’s voice comes out in a rasp, but it seems to be enough to kick Abby into gear. Her hands come around to rest carefully on Ellie’s waist, like she’s worried something bad will happen if she actually lets herself go, so Ellie’s first instinct is to draw it out of her anyway.

Her teeth graze skin, scraping along Abby’s pulse until she hits a point that garners her the most reaction. She can feel her squirm between her legs, and tightens her stance to hold her in place while she continues to give attention to Abby’s neck. 

“Move.” She hates the way her voice sounds, but Abby listens to her, and her hands slip under her top, exploring the hot skin and leaving goosebumps behind her. She keeps her distance from anywhere sensitive, taking her time to drag her nails across her instead, but Ellie isn’t a patient person. Especially when Abby still tasted like liquor. 

She pulls back, ripping her sweater over her head in one fluid movement while she tries to avoid meeting Abby’s eyes and seeing the confusion there. “You still wear a bra?” She asks, and Ellie ignores the question. 

She kisses her instead, this time following her own advice and putting her hands to good use. They dive under Abby’s shirt, tracing along the lines of her stomach and up to her chest. It elicits a sound Ellie hasn’t heard from her before, and its like everything else switches off. 

Abby’s head falls back against the couch, a clear enough sign on its own, but Ellie wants to hear her say it. Her hands slip down to Abby’s jeans, unbuttoning them agonisingly slow. “Do you want this?” She asks, as a final exit strategy for both of them. She even pulls back to make sure Abby isn’t lying to her. She’s a bad liar.

Her hips gyrate beneath Ellie, and it is answer enough. Ellie’s hands dance along the waistband as she waits for it in words. 

It takes a moment for Abby to catch her breath and find her voice, and Ellie is starting to get antsy by the time she does. When Abby’s eyes land on her, she almost looks angry, but Ellie has seen her angry, and this is not it. 

“Are you chickening out?” Abby gripes, and its not exactly what Ellie wanted to hear, but she’s not feeling picky. 

She repositions herself, letting Abby spread her legs, shifting until one of her own falls between Abby’s, and begins to move. She reconnects their lips as she leans into it, grinding her thigh down until Abby is barely able to keep up the kiss. At one point, Ellie gets impatient and pulls at the hem of Abby’s shirt, until its finally torn from her and tossed somewhere behind them. Ellie is convinced it may have landed in the fire, but she doesn’t care enough to check. 

She thinks she should feel guilty, as her hand slides down between them and into Abby’s pants, but she doesn’t. Its her business anyway. 

Her hand dips under fabric until her fingers glide through her folds. 

“You’re enjoying this.” She says, humour indicated in her tone, but Abby doesn’t fight her like she thought she might. Her hips jolt up against Ellie, and its clear what she wants; Ellie can’t keep the stupid grin off her face. The wind wails down the chimney, but neither of them register it in the heat of the moment, as Ellie begins to rub steady circles around her clit. 

Abby’s jaw is tight as Ellie’s lips graze along it, and she’s eerily quiet, so much so that Ellie pulls back a little to look at her. Her eyes are open, and land on Ellie with something unreadable in them, even as her breathing begins to rattle and falter. Instinct kicks in, and she takes a hold of Abby’s braid and pulls, delighting in the desperate groans it drawls out of her. 

Ellie doesn’t know if Abby has been with women before. She supposes its highly likely, considering… everything, but she has had no real confirmation of anything. Not that it matters when she can feel thighs struggling not to close over her hand, but she does wonder. 

Abby comes with a whine and a shudder, big enough that it almost rocks Ellie off her lap. “Fuck.” She mutters, and suddenly Ellie is laughing, something she hasn’t found herself doing properly in a while. A long while, actually. “What?”

Abby looks confused, maybe a little offended – Ellie doesn’t think she knows her well enough yet to tell – but she shakes it off quickly when Ellie leaps off of her. She starts stripping before Abby can ask anymore questions, because she needs the release, and she needs to sleep and hopefully never have to deal with this again. 

By the time she’s back in her lap, naked now besides her panties she was too quick to rip off, Abby seems to have recovered. At least, she’s quick to draw her in, and quick to push her underwear aside. “Now whose enjoying it?” She asks, the cockiness that Ellie had seen in her infrequently rearing its head again. She grits her teeth. 

“Get over it and fuck me.” She growls. Abby doesn’t keep her waiting, but takes it carefully, one finger at a time until Ellie is quivering with the shock of it. She had no doubt when she started this (because she had thought about it before) that it might be intense, and Abby’s thrusts are fierce and hard to the point of nearing pain. But Ellie liked it that way sometimes. 

She closes her eyes, and imagines a different scenario; Abby with her hands above her head, maybe tied to the bed, wearing that strap-on Ellie found in one of her runaway trips to a nearby town, and she’s so immersed in it that she barely registered that this is _Abby_ she is thinking about. She doesn’t really register it under her orgasm hits her like falling debris, and she barely stops herself from biting down on Abby’s shoulder when it does.

She catches her breath, like jelly in Abby’s grasp, until she slithers out to haphazardly sit beside her instead. 

“Maybe I should sleep.”

She says it kind of as a joke, to lighten the mood a little, (because its starting to feel thick and strange again) but also because she really is tired, and the heat from the fire feels so good on her bare skin. Abby is staring at her again.

“I’ll take first watch.” She says again, and Ellie wants to laugh.

“I’m not going to do a shift.” She says, because she wants Abby to know that if she wakes her up in the middle of the night for this, she’ll kill her for real this time, but also just to get the last word in. She hears Abby take a few steps, still wearing her boots, before something hits her smack on the back of the head. 

When she turns to glare, Abby is by the bookshelf, leafing through the titles with little regard for her anymore. It might even have been hurtful, but Ellie just shrugs the bravado off. She takes the offered blanket with grace, not bothering to climb back into her clothes. She’s tired, and she falls asleep to the sound of turning pages and storming rain.

By the time she wakes up, the sun is already high in the sky. Abby is nearby, rustling through a rotting box of pet toys. 

“Lev wants a dog.” She explains when she notices that Ellie is watching. Ellie just nods. 

There’s a collar and a chain link leash next to her, discarded from the rest due to its wear. Ellie tries not to look at it. 

Her neck is aching from her rough sleep, but Abby seems to be faring better, and turns to offer her something between a smile and a sneer. 

“Morning, you ready to head out?” Straight to the point. Ellie just nods and sets about righting her clothes. 

Maria will be out looking for them after that disappearing act. And they still have a few houses to check through. Ellie just wants to go home. 

They mount their horses in awkward solidarity, and head out onto the storm blown roads. 

*

Its not like it changes anything, but Ellie is kind of surprised that Abby shows up with some stress on her features. 

“Hi?” She greets, confused because Abby doesn’t usually ‘drop by’. She comes at organised times, for organised reasons, and Ellie doesn’t really know what to do but step aside to let her inside. 

“Sorry, its early.” Abby seems to only notice it herself as the kitchen clock comes into frame. And it is. Ellie is still in her shorts and the shirt she slept in, but her gut curls anyway, with anxiety and excitement equally as she follows behind her. “I think we need to talk.” 

It has been almost a week since their excursion on the trails, and Ellie has been expecting her to show up. They’ve been dancing around each other for days, and the others in Jackson aren’t oblivious. 

Dina hasn’t said anything, but Ellie catches her giving looks, and tries her best to avoid the confrontation. Its her business, but she doesn’t want to make excuses in front of Dina, who probably wouldn’t see it in the way she does. They’ve grown apart, even further recently, and a part of her resents both of them for it. She misses them. 

But right now, Abby is looking at her the way a dog looks down the barrel of a gun: with a startling level of calm underneath base fear. She folds her arms in Ellie’s kitchen, leans against the counter and sighs, completely unaware of how familiar the sound is. 

Ellie doesn’t know what she wants from her, so she gestures for her to on with her hands instead. She takes a seat at the table, because Abby is giving out an energy that makes her feel restless and uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want to be standing. 

“Do you want me to back off?” Ellie looks up at her again when she finally speaks, just as she was about to excuse herself to change. The days are getting colder, and she feels exposed in the open air. 

“No.” She says, because that’s the truth, but she doesn’t know where she expects them to go, or to be.

“Okay.” 

Abby scoffs a little, and when Ellie finally excuses herself to get dressed, she’s still there when she returns. 

“You’re still here?”

“Look, I just wanted to make sure we’re still okay with, specifically… everything else.”

Ellie looks at her cluelessly for a moment, before it hits her. “You still want that?”

“I mean, if you do.” Its like walking on eggshells, but Ellie does it anyway. She walks over, easing Abby out of the way so she can open up the bottom cupboard. She feels that she’s being watched, and moves carefully, like she’s worried she will startle her houseguest with a jerk reaction. They’re close enough that she can feel Abby’s heat, and hopes she’s not being weird when she pulls out the leash. 

She hands it over as casually as she can. She has a collar upstairs to match, one she made ages ago but never thought it would ever be something breached. 

“I’m game if you are.” Abby’s fingers glaze over the top of the chain, like she might say no, but she doesn’t. She just nods instead. 

“Um, yeah.” 

“Cool.” 

That’s the end of that then. Ellie takes the leash back to return it to its place, but she doesn’t miss Abby still looking once the door is closed.

Ellie has rounds to do, as its early in the day yet, and on their way out, Abby seems a little hesitant. 

“Stop smiling like that.” Ellie says, when they’re both hovering by the door, unsure of what to do next. 

“Like what?”

Ellie doesn’t really know what she means, so she just frowns. “Just… stop it.”

“Okay.” Abby’s laughing at her, its evident in her voice, but Ellie doesn’t feel the sting of it. It felt like when she and Dina used to play fight – bantering. She doesn’t know what to do with that. 

*

Lev is quick. Very quick. 

It used to be a blessing, but now its almost a new threat in and of itself. He is a smart kid, more with every passing year and encounter with the ordinary, so he knows somethings up. 

“Do you have a boyfriend?” He asks, after a few days of late nights and almost missed meals. 

“No, Lev, I don’t have a boyfriend.” 

After a brief moment, he tries another route. “A girlfriend?”

“Nope.”

“I’d be okay if you did.” 

“That’s cool, but I don’t.”

He shrugs when she shoots him a look, something she’s really mastered lately, and his eyebrow dance on his face. There’s a teenage sarcasm coming across him lately that Abby didn’t think she would ever see. In a way its good, because he’s getting past it, developing in the ways she wanted him too when she brought him to Jackson in the first place. It doesn’t mean its not a bad time for it to manifest. 

“Ellie been teaching me the guitar.” She says, because there’s a grain of truth in that at least. Ellie _had_ been teaching her, briefly and only once or twice, but enough to carry a tune or two. It’s a little difficult, but Ellie maneuvers around the loss of her fingers, and they never, ever talk about that. 

Ellie missed hearing it, that was all that she needed to know. 

“Oh, okay.” He leaves it at that, and Abby pretends to go back to her book, even if she isn’t really reading the words anymore. 

*

They go on patrol together often enough now. 

If Maria is a little wary of the prospect, she doesn’t let it show the way that Tommy does. His open dislike of Abby and Lev’s presence has not improved as Ellie’s has, and he stops her in the stables one day, when Abby is already mounted and waiting at the gate. 

“Tell me you know what you’re doing.” He says, and it lands strangely. 

“I don’t.” 

“Well you better get to knowing, because that girls gonna kill you one day.” Its paranoia. Ellie sees it in his face. But it still haunts her as they ride through the snow. 

“Y’know, before now, every time we met, someone died.” Ellie says, after a long ride ignoring any and all of Abby’s attempts to start conversation. She knows she’s shocked her, but doesn’t look up from the books she’s sorting through. Abby had given her a list, and they comb through houses ticking them off as they collect them, but there doesn’t seem to be anything new in this particular stack.

Abby looks over her shoulder, shrugging like she didn’t know what Ellie was saying. She tries again. “I still feel like I’m waiting for that.” 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not really feeling murder today.” Abby says, an attempt at a joke after being frozen out all day. Ellie rolls her eyes. 

“Yeah, me neither.” 

“Why are you bringing it up then?”

“Yeah, I was just talkin’ to Tommy, guess it got in my head.” 

“Well, I’m not the one you have to worry about.”

Ellie feels a protective urge spring up in her chest, but she understands what Abby is saying, and that it is not a comment on Tommy. “Yeah, I know.” She’s about to get back to book hunting, before a thought strikes her. “Can you come over tonight?”

Abby doesn’t look at her. “Yeah, Lev’s out with… Eileen is her name, I think.” 

“A girlfriend?” She looks up at her then, and Ellie raises her eyebrows. Abby looks kind of landed, like she never considered it. 

“I don’t know, but that’s something I can look into, so we’ll see”

“Keep me posted.” 

Abby shoots her a smile, and for a moment it all seems normal, like they are normal friends with normal lives. Like there isn’t a pool of blood between them, whether they can see it or not. 

*

She doesn’t go straight home. 

They don’t want to seems suspicious, so they go for dinner separately, and that’s where Ellie spots her. 

“Dina.” She slips into the chair next her, and rustles JJ’s hair. He’s got a lot of it now, dark and thick like his parents’. “Hey.”

Dina gives her a once over. “You’re looking happy.”

“Am I?” She didn’t mean to be. Not like that was a bad thing, but Dina read her like a book, and it wasn’t easy to get away with things with her around. 

“Are you back with Cat again? Ryan said he saw you two-”

“No… no that was just - no.” Ellie feels like she’s been caught, in the way Dina’s eyes light up, like she’s found her weak spot and she is going to poke it with a stick until she gets something out of it. 

Dina takes a bite of her food, letting Ellie stammer and steam. “I’m not judging.” 

“I’m not! Here I am trying to hang out with my friend and I’m attacked by accusations.” Ellie chides. “How is your love life then?” 

Dina’s warning glare is enough to have her hands up in surrender. They eat together in relative quiet, because the mess hall is busy and they can’t hang around filling seats for too long, and Ellie tries to get spaghetti into a toddler until even she can admit that its fruitless, before Dina asks her something. 

“You and Abby; are you doing okay?” 

Ellie doesn’t really known what to answer with, because Dina is looking up at her with big, knowing eyes and its freaking her out a little. Like she knows what’s going on. Thankfully, Dina (like her) is impatient sometimes. 

“Well, if that’s where you’re getting it then I will publically tip my hat to you. If you admit it.” Dina laughs when all Ellie can do is sneer, and she laughs them both all the way out the doors when Ellie explains what’s actually going on, in a flurry of words almost too quick to translate into speech. 

Ellie doesn’t know why she tells her. Maybe its good spirits or timing or maybe Ellie is just sick of hiding in front of her. Its not as bad as she thinks, ribbing aside. 

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah.”

“I know I said I’d be impressed, and I am, but dude…” Dina seems trapped between her own humour and the reality of the situation, and Ellie finds that familiar and easy for once in the last couple of years, so she just shrugs, offering up a pained expression until Dina can’t hold back anymore. 

“Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” She finally finishes, through sceptic eyes that don’t hold that much belief in them. 

“Trust me.” Ellie says. She doesn’t sound sure. “I know what I’m doing.”

*

Ellie was right, that first time, to fantasise about this. 

Abby has taken to the collar well, and it seems to quiet her down a little, so that’s better than Ellie could have expected. She thought someone like Abby would find it too degrading, but if anything she seems calmer than ever once that clip sets into place. The leash is just extra. 

She has it tied to the headboard, leaving her hands free to leave deep, red lines along Abby’s shoulders and down her chest while she rides her. She took to the strap very well too, even though she admitted she had never used one before. Ellie didn’t press her much on her past, but she had given that up easily, unsure of herself upon sight of it. 

If that wasn’t a lie (and Abby isn’t a good liar), then she had to be a natural. Ellie’s skin is electric, lighting up where Abby touches her. She has left her hands free for now, because she likes having her hips guided down when they begin to shudder too much, and Abby doesn’t disappoint her. She’ll cuff them again some other time, and it’s the idea of it alone that causes the wave to hit her. 

She clenches down hard on the toy, closing her eyes to the bliss and taking its greedily. She tries to limit these interactions, because she knows herself and how easy it is to get addicted to something, so she takes it all when she can get it. She feels Abby shift under her, reaching down between her legs to prolong her pleasure as much as it can go, until Ellie’s body can’t take any more, and collapses down. 

Ellie’s bedroom is one of the coldest rooms in the house, and the flannel she threw over her bare body didn’t do much to protect her from it, but Abby is warm, and she finds herself curling up before she even recognises that she’s doing it. 

Abby’s breathing comes in steady puffs. Ellie had got her off kneeling between her legs, with Abby restrained to the point of immobility, and she can still taste her on her tongue as she lies with her head on her chest. They have fallen into a comfortable kind of routine, one that Ellie has no lingering ideas of breaking. 

She could have fallen asleep like that, if not for the discomfort on Abby’s back as time ticks by, and she eventually forces herself off. 

Ellie takes her time ridding her of the harnesses and appendages, starting with the strap, which she tosses to the floor carelessly. She unclips her leash, and Abby surges forward as soon as she is freed, kissing her like its all she had been waiting for. Ellie misses being kissed like this. 

Its late, maybe a little too late considering the noise they have made, and Ellie pushes her back down with steady hands on her shoulders. She’s cold, and Abby is _so_ warm, and even though she’s used to Abby leaving now - to rustling clothes and mumbling goodbyes - she grabs her wrist as she turns to pull Abby’s arm around her. 

Abby freezes for a moment, unsure of what she should do, before the tiredness wins over, and she settles down behind Ellie, finally relaxing until her hold across her body is slack and comfortable. The comings and goings of her breathing is stable and sleep is clearly not far, even in the unfamiliarity of it all. 

And Ellie feels like maybe she can live like this. Even if it is just for a little while, because she has learned now that things don’t typically last. She’s not a child anymore, and has little naivety left concerning how the world works. She’s at peace, at least for now, and her eyes slip shut easily, just for once.

Spring is on the horizon again, appearing as it does every year, and rain is coming in to melt away the snow. She can hear it faintly on the windows as sleep overtakes her, and she dreams of flowering bushes and wolfish whistling, ivy growing mindlessly up the walls of Jackson, until she wakes the next morning, rested.

She has stables to clean and saddles to polish, but she’s in no rush. It’ll all be there later, and Abby is still sleeping. She’ll wake her when she’s ready.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! I know theres about 7 people into this but if you got this far you're cool. Let me know of I should write more for these two, I'm currently struggling through a Masters but I loved writing this!
> 
> That art again: issadoragreen.tumblr.com/post/630012462119387136/didnt-you-know-dangerous-wolves-belong-in
> 
> (Please check it out because omg)
> 
> Final thank you, and please leave me a comment if you liked it! Stay safe!
> 
> Edit: I made a tumblr, I'm at abbysratking


End file.
